I haven’t done a blog entry in forever!
I lost my father on October 24th. He passed away relatively quickly, with little time spent in the hospital, and for that I was grateful. He did not want to be there. The second time I went and sat with him he said I hope this doesn’t take too long.
It has taken a while to try to assemble into words the jumble of thoughts in my head. I still don’t know if I am ready, but today I felt like trying.
People call me more now. I probably don’t seem very appreciative of that, but I appreciate all the support I received from family and friends. But I also appreciated the nonsupport. The people who I knew knew, but didn’t say anything. After a while grief is like water, and if you don’t get out you’ll drown in it. Sometimes a well-meaning hug is the last thing you need, because you just don’t want to be reminded. Like when someone calls and says, how are you doing? That’s so much better than How are you doing since your dad died?
Um, I was doing pretty good until you brought it up. I don’t need you to remind me, I’m aware that it happened.
I am doing okay. I have good days and bad days. Little things will remind me, little things will make me cry. I worry about my mom, but I swear there are days when I think she’s tougher than me.
I miss my Daddy.
I’m 7 whole days without anti-depressants. They gave me a whole series of bad side effects. In less than two months I’ve gained almost 20 lbs. That in itself is depressing. Tomorrow I turn 45, which I could be depressed about, but why bother?
I have been married 14 years as of today. I am alive to write books and laugh with my friends. I am here for my kids (and I can hug my raccoon.) I never thought I would get this old, and now suddenly it’s not that old at all. I can play with my goats, I can watch the sun rise. I could write hundreds of pages of the good things I can, and will, still do- but I won’t bore you with all that. I’ll just end this by saying that if you keep your eyes open it isn’t hard to find things that make you happy.
So I have decided that tomorrow will be a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY! And yes, I really am turning 45 years old.